ehh

so i m telling you what... I'm going to be busy the next couple of days ahhh.

well i talked to Gabe and he said he'd try to listen and be there for me but i don't know if i want to now he has crushed that part of my faith in him. i love him so much but he beyond hurt my feelings. oh well.
so tonight is cookie night, and tomorrow I'm making macaroni salad with tuna cheese and peas. yummy. then Friday is the first holiday dinner. then Saturday is Gabriel, the holiday dinner and the first time Ive seen my dad in like six months. Sunday is yule and Gabe. Wednesday is Christmas eve. Thursday is Christmas. Friday is the candle light thing at Disney and Saturday is me and my sister going to my dads for the first time in like a year.

Perspective: me to gabriel

Respect. One word that means so much. Love. Yet another important word. But can you love with out respect? No. Religion. A hot topic that is discussed and debated on all across the world. Well damn it I'm a pagan get over it. Gabriel of all people i thought you could respect that but no.... you don't mind that i am but the moment i want to talk about a new magical discovery, you turn into a jerk. Well I'm sorry I'm interested in it just like your interested in cars do i tell you that i will walk away if you start to talk about engines or mufflers or fords. No i don't. That's respect that's love. Bu if i can tolerate your babbling about idiot crap that does not interest me then you can listen to me talk about stuff I'm interested. You don't have to agree with it but you need to be there for me. To respect me. Remember there is no love with out respect. That's not a hard concept to grasp but i guess it is for you. That makes you a close minded jerk. Of course i never thought you were until you showed me your true colors. Why cant you love and respect me for me? is that so hard? Why are you such a jerk. You hurt my feelings and watch me cry and tell me to stop rather than wipe the tears away like sensitive person would do. Gosh I'm so frustrated with you Gabriel . My mom is christian and yesterday i told her the same things i told you and she was interested and respected my beliefs and was not like shut up about it or ill walk away. Nope but i guess that's the differences moms care , love, and respect rather than argue and fight and make me cry and they aren't as insensitive as men. I'm a mad person right now, my feelings are hurt, and you wont do what you can to make me happy. Isn't that a part of love too? To make things easier. Life is hard loving someone shouldn't add to the stress. Right now I'm crying and if you knew that you wouldn't care. Goodness this is the holiday season you should not stress me out and hurt me. Love should not hurt and should not make me feel empty like I feel like right now. I feel betrayed and I'm tired. Tired of this. I want to be happy and you ruined that for me today. Love me for me!

hawaii

So I'm half way to Hawaii Ive paid $850 out of $1700 so I'm half way there. So super excited especially with the yucky weather out there right now. its quite rainy and yucky and humid right now and all i want to do is like go to the beach and lie in the sun. so far I know that i will be getting on the plane to Hawaii on July first and on my way back July sixth. On July fourth i will be singing at pearl harbor how amazing is that? That s awesome I'm so excited so that's only a little less that 7 months. I get to see the pearl harbor stuff like the USS Arizona and i get to see the wall with all the names on it. I get to lay on the beautiful beaches, go shopping, go to the dole pineapple plant and get pineapple ice cream, and i get to go to the Polynesian center. i also get to perform at the Waikiki shell.I put some pictures up the first one is the USS Arizona and the others are of the Waikiki beach where ill be at and where ill be. The hotel is a block from the beach i heard. so i cant wait its pretty much going to be amazing.

Twilight and today

Was pretty darn amazing except for like twenty minutes. It was pretty Sukey. After that was amazing and my favorite part was when Gabe was like "why is Edwards dad hotter than Edward" which is quite entertaining if you know my boyfriend. =]
So in like ten minutes I'm going to Gabe's to spend the after noon which is yipeeee because i miss spending time with him i don't know how people survive long distance relationships.
Im tired and i got a field trip tomorrow to wti to play with the kids which is un right? well yeah good thing i have a energy drink at home =].
So I went to Myranda's baby shower Sunday. I love her and miss her so much. She said she is going to put me down as the official god mom which makes me happy because of all the times we've had together.
Well time to go. =] bye bye

Gabriel

I realize that I need Gabriel to be happy. Nothing would be the same with out him. I spent Monday night at his house and he spent Tuesday and Wednesday night here. Well since he left 8am on thanksgiving i have talked to him a total of ten minutes. Which is totally understandable he is with family. I just miss him. I fell asleep after he left Thursday and when i woke up i rolled over to tell him something and he wasn't there and it fell truly saddening and strange. After being with him for 4 days i was so used to him being there that it almost hurt for him not to be there. I have felt that way since. That shows how much in really need him. I guess now I'm really thankful for all the things he does.. He is my superman fully and truly. And what can i say I'm madly in love with him with every fiber of my being. When hes near me I'm whole and when hes gone i miss him deeply. I love him oh so much and though he'll probably never read this i hope he knows how thankful i am and how much i love him. Together forever. There is no other option.

My Birthday.

SO on my birthday I got up and hung out with my baby(he stayed Tuesday and Wednesday night at my house) Then we all went shopping and i got my nails done. I got home and did presents and played Yahtzee with my mom, sister,and Gabe. We all played around until me and Gabe had to get ready for dinner. We went to golden Carrol and then went and saw twilight which was absolutely amazing. So I got to say Gabe was absolutely amazing. He saved for weeks and weeks to make my day special and he did. My family was pretty amazing too. So after we got home from twilight i laid in bed with Gabe just talking in he candle light. It was pretty amazing. I never realized how much he truly loves me and now i do. He did everything to make me happy. It was truly romantic. I love Gabriel so much. He was great. I just know that he is the one i truly want to be with for the rest of my life.

11/16/08

So ten days til my birthday. That should make me all yippee but right now I'm cranky... I have a bad head cold. My nose wont stop running. My head hurts. My ears are popped. My eye balls feel funny. And when i want to sneeze I cant but when i don't want to i do. I fell asleep at 3 am because i just couldn't sleep and i woke up at 9 because of a bad dream. and couldn't go back to sleep. Then i tried to call Gabe and hes been busy for about 5 hours and after i woke up from that really bad nightmare and all i wanted to do was talk he couldn't give me one damn minute when i needed some one to talk to. So i called my mom. Its just been a really sucky day. I'm just aggravated and since about 2 am last night my nose has been so super raw that my eyes sometimes water because of it. i even took a super long shower and i don't feel any better. Medicines not helping. to look half decent tomorrow i going to have to pull out the foundation. Yuck. That describes how I feel. One good thing is that my dad actually stood up and was a man and actually sent me the money he promised. And if you know my dad that's a big thing. Last year he didn't get me a birthday present which was my sweet sixteen. And he didn't get me a Christmas present when i was the bigger person and got him one. I guess our relationship is a little better now but he keeps trying to pressure me in to coming down and spending a weekend with him. but I don't know if I'm ready for that. The only thing good about that would be that Id see my best friend in the entire world Stephanie and the people he lives with has a four wheeler. I mean it'd be OK seeing him but if something went wrong and we fought again id have no where to go ya know what i mean? Im so tired and i feel crappy but im looking forward to my birthday. I get to spend a great day with my baby then go out to dinner then see twilight =D. Im getting a cheese cake for my birthday cake =] Im cant wait=]. Only ten days but then its less that a month to figure out how to pull money outta my ass for christmas presents. Thats gonna be crazy hard since i have to pay for hawaii too. I feel like im ranting on and on but its a good way to get out all my feelings with out risking loseing my voice. So i have a line from a s ong but dont tell gabe he'll kick my butt =] "You PMS like a bitch I wouild know" hehehehee. thats what im thinking about him right now but so do i so its all good. I love him to death but id pick on a flower thats what kind of mood im in. I wonder if any one will even read this because of the length? Well Steph if you do heres my mesage for you. I love you and miss you. You are my elmo kisses. Ms.Laura if your reading this ily too bby. Friday was that IPS teaching thing it made my mind up. Im deffenatly going to be a teacher. I cant wait. Well Toodles.

11/13/08

SO im in home room... its one of those stupid extendended ones that I have nothing to do in. I applied at three places already. Its becomeing impossible for me to find a job. I've been applying everyday for a month to two places and i applied a new place today. Ive got to get one so that i can pay for my Hawaii trip with chorus. Ahhhh! Aggravation. And of course I can't be aggaravated with one thing before gabe gets me aggravated about something else. Then I realize its stupid to get mad about the gabe thing and get sad at myself. Stupidity I swear. Needless to say im bored out of my ming so i guess ill just rant. So i love gabe to death and he is a sweet heart but he can push my buttons sometimes and I wonder if he does it just to push 'em. Tomarrow I have that thing at Ips where I teach the kids that should be fun =]. I get to go with laura and two other girls which one of whom is getting on my nerves. But on a happier note. 8 Days til twilight. 9 Days until me and gabes one year and 8 months. 13 Days til my birthday. And tomarrows Friday!Yipeeeeee. Its been a long week and this week is only a three day week. Oh well home room is over with in 5 minutes. So imma go. Toodles!!!!!

Today.

Sucked. As soon as I got off the bus this morning I found out my mom got in a car accident. Shes ok, just sore with a lump on her head but we have no car. The worst part of it all is the fact that she is so sad. She gets really depressed when stuff like this happens. shes worried about a car because our insurance doesnt cover it. I love her and im worried about her. You would be soo proud of gabe though he walked me to the hospital and he stood by my mom and talked to her, and held the ice on her head. It was sweet . Well I must cook now. Bye.

Gabriel and Grades.

So I had an amazzzing day yesterday with my baby. He came over and my mom called him family which I knew she thought that way but it was so good to hear. It made me cry =] . He finally told me he is going to stau with me rather than go to ohio. It was so cute how he told me too. I was sitting there upset about something and he knew I was thinking about it. He said "Make a wish" and then he kssed me. I asked him to promise me aloud and he told me promised to stay with me in florida I was so happy and still am. I might be going to the cooter fest today =]! He might be coming with me fun fun right? Im excited. And oh I got all a's this 9 weeks woot woot!

What they don't tell you about Lovers Lane

Every one thinks lovers lane is the smooth ride of bliss along a bumpless road. If you believe that you're blind. If that's how it is for you, you must be robot. Lovers Lane is more like a highway wrapped along mountains, paved with nothing but dirt and dust. If you can hold on for the ride though you feel the rush of adrenaline, the wind in your face, the racing of your heart. If you can see past the dangers that may lie ahead, you can see the breath-taking scenery. But even though this information is not the standard, I believe it to be more appealing. Who wants a smooth ride anyways? Love with out challenges, isn't love at all. So that was my little bit of enlightenment for the day.

Laura!

I was looking on photo bucket for a picture of cleopatra for my sister halloween costume, and I found something I thought you'd enjoy. Its like egypt and twilight wrapped into a chocolate package =D love you!

Ohio? Are you kidding me?

What is he thinking? Ohio? You've got to be kidding me! OK so my boyfriend wants to be some big butt mechanic when hes older the ones that make a lot of money... I guess that's just something he knows how to do and hes good at. Well I guess the best place to get the degree for this is in Ohio. After hes already made me wait 10 months for him, he'd make me wait 2 years, are you freaking kidding me? He'd really ask that of me? I couldn't use bright futures there so I wouldn't have the money to go to college, and he'd consider to ask me to wait two years while I'm here for him to come back or for me to go with him and wait two years for my education? What in the hell is that? Oh and he just heard about this place this year? He'd be willing to leave me, drop our love on the head, not care how hurt I'd be, and just go? Oh that's what I called screwed up. I may be venting but I think I'm being overly fair. Why would I drop everything to just go to a place I'd be miserable? Or why be here with him there and be absolutely depressed, and living alone? This whole thing is stupid! I'm pretty ticked. He says he understands and he is trying be sweet but he'd choose some stupid school away from the beach, in the cold, over me? That's beyond Stupid! I'm mad! Someone tell me how to handle this before he has no hands to work on some stupid car!

10/21/2008

I know I had lots of out there dreams but i cant remember what they were about. Then welcome to drama. larissa starts it and then is all like im a senior i dont have to deal with it. its retarted to say the least , i mean grow up and suck it up! oh well so in chours to day a lady from the news paper was there and took pitures and interviewed micheal, laura, and i about the hawaii trip. other than that and some interesting conversations in chorus with jasmine, eric, and laura today was uneventful so far. One question i have to ask is what would you call someone whos half way between a fiance and a boyfriend? goodness. im at school right now and i am sooo tired, i want to go home but i have some at home drama now too. with my sister, those of you who know what im talking about thank you for just listening and being friends, and those who don't its a long story for another day. so today i am going to do a shout out =]! i wubbles you laura, your amazing thank you for being here for me through all of this, and all the other stuff youve held my hand through =]. Your amazing =]. anyways I'll try to post some more later but im out for now. bye-bye.

Tonight <3

I spent this afternoon in Gabriel, and unlike Friday it was amazing. It was calm, we got along amazing, and he seemed mellow. I was mellow too and I think that's a big part of it, I admit I can get uptight about stuff. But it was really nice tonight, it made me smile. Its nice for us to finally have some down, mellow time. He is amazing. I may have not made that clear in my first post, but he is amazing. He is the least selfish person I know. When it comes to me he'd do anything. Its nice to feel like no matter what he'll be there for me, supporting me =]. Well I know this is a short post, but I'm tired Good night Moon! and all of you too =] <3

Dad....

So yesterday not so cool. I miss my dad as much as that hurts me to admit, i do. I don't know why. He never treated me like he really cared any way , and now all of the sudden he wants to be some huge part of my life? I can't jump in like that he hurt me, bad. Hes the only man who has ever really broken my heart. I wish I could just toss him to the side llike a ragety ann doll, but Ive tried that and damn hes like an electronic doll, clawing at my heart trying to push its way back in. He's my dad though , and I feel as if maybe its time to try to let him in. But thats gonna take a lot of effort on my part. I think Im going to start by copying my report cards as I get them and send them to him, Some pictures maybe, and a letter that im working on. Any ideas? Oh well The bells about to ring So im off to English, and to meet my baby Toodles!

10/17/08

We walk down the brightly lit road, and I can't help but cover my eyes because of the sun in my eyes. I was in a bad mood, I wasn't before the day went so well gabriel and I hadn't fought. Actually we were all over each other like in the begining. Then on that stupid road with the stupid sun in my eyes I guess I pushed his final button. I don't remember what I said but if I could take it back I would. He threw the stop watch (we were timing the time we walked for my online course), and stormed into the woods. I picked it up and looked at the shattered glass that used to be the screen. I tried to get him to talk tome but he sat on the side of the road hidden in the brush crying. I asked him to stop. I tried to grab his hand, but he snatched it away. I got mad and threw that stop watch at him, but missed. I never was one for sports. I begged him to come with me and come home so we could talk. My mom would be waiting for us. But he wouldn't get up he wouldn't stop crying. You may think this makes him a baby but it doesn't. I know he loves me, and weve been having issues, which hurts considering we've already been through so much together. But back to us. He would'nt stop crying. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me he didn't answer. It hurt. I asked again with my voice a little higher. He still didn't answer. That hurt even more. So much was going through my head. But the one dominant thought was that no matte if he still wanted to be with me or not I still was going to be his friend that no matter what I'd still love him, which to me proves our love. After another ten minutes of coaxing him. He stood up, but he still wouldn't answer if he wanted to be with me. It hurt lots. When we arrived at my home I asked him one last time, and he finally answered me. Yes. Thats when The strangest thing happened I let my self cry to the fulest force. They tearsflowed and I held him but he didn't hold me back. Then I knew it. I hurt him more than I ever had before which in turn hurts me. It took all night but we did smile and laugh and held each other but I still hurt a little knowing that I let it get as far as I did it was unfair to both of us.