Ugh so ...

I just dont know what to think. Me and gabe finally desided there will be no more trys. He just wants to friends. I dont know if i can even do that. but he was the biggest thing in my life for over two years. like how do i let go of that? how do i not think about that? Im finally getting a little better but i just dont know. Im tired of being alone. i want to find some one interesting, some one exciting, someone new. I just want love.

Venting

I cant believe that I fell for it again, you'd think that all the months and months of crying over him that id keep myself guarded butt no not Judi. The moment he came around again with the kisses, the i love yous, and the i miss yous i fell head first. I jumped outta a plane with out a parachute. how could I be so stupid. the way he backed away when people we knew came around. I should known. The way that he came around just for kisses. i should of known. I really should have. yet i was stupid enough to believe maybe, just maybe he changed. maybe just maybe he truly missed me and loved me and wanted to come back into my arms again. But no when he blew me off i was worried, rather than realizing he was just being a fucking ass hole. I should have known. I mean this is the same guy that dumped me and called me a piece of shit. The same one that changes his damn indecisive mind every two fucking minutes this is fucking ridiculous. I should have known. But instead I fell just for him to tell me to get outta his ass, say what ever and hang up on me. All because i was fucking worried about him. Because i wanted to fucking be with him. I should have fucking known. All of this because i fucking love him fucking blindly. This is ridiculous. I hate this so much. Why do i care so much. Its to the point now where Im done, all Ive done try and he he finally made up my mind, I'm so damn done with this shit. All i wanted was my effin gabey baby back the one i was with for two and a half years that actually cared about me and my feelings. Now all thats left in the Hollow shell of gabey baby is a coniving, selfish, careless, mother fucking, hurtful, asshole that doesnt give two shits about any one but himself, that deals drugs, and cares more about partying tahn the people around him. I dont get how he lost all faith in me. i know i made my mistakes but I thought he loved e and you dont treat some one you love like this shit. im so tired of hurting damn it. Its been fucking months and all he does is keep coming in and out of my life. Then he has the nerve to say all this is my fault . FUCK THAT. Im so done with this i cant breathe any more, sobs are stuck in my throat and i can feel a scream itching to come out of my lower tummy. The silence and lonliness is begining to consume me from the inside out. I feel like a prisioner in my own body. And all i want is to be in some ones arms. I have become dependent on being in a relationship and i hgaet it. Its such bullshit. I should be happy to be single,a nd young but instead im losing all control. All i wanted was my first love back but instead i get heart broken again.

December 27, 2009

So many great things happen in ft.pierce lol<3 Okay so the whole thing started with a little idea... Lets go camping :) Well we packed up very little, two tents and headed of to a little deserted beach on north shore. Just getting there was an adventure. Lol. Vince and I walked in circles to go get the tents at his scout leaders house, but the walk was nice so it okay. Alright so when we got to the beach the other group had already got there and steed most things up, so we just chilled for a little bit and then me and Steph went for a walk down by the water for girly gossip :). When we got a little further down the beach we ran into Tyler and Vince whom had a piece of ply wood they were considering adding to our fire but instead Tyler threw it into the surf and skim boarded. It looked like so much fun and me being the wuss i wasn't going to try it but Vince did and couldn't seem to jump on it, so me being the competitor i was Pulled of my shirt and pants (it was dark out) and in my undies attempted to jump on this stupid board. I couldn't seem to do it so Stephanie tried and of course on the first try she got it but busted her ass after wards. lol. After a few more tries I got it . YAY ME! lol. Me and tyler were the only two unscathed though lol. So here we were me in my undies, Steph in boxers and a tee, Tyler in soaked clothing , and Vince in his boxers. And of course it was like 60 degrees out. lol. So later that night we were looking for fire wood when i simply said lets go skinny dipping, So me and Steph ran ahead stripped and ran out into the water, then the boys followed, Zach being lame and leaving his swimming trunks on. We got out there and after the initial awkwardness it was bunchs o' fun. Til we realized the only towel was on shore and had to volunteer some one to go get it. Still it was deff an experience i will never forget <3. So finally after it took forever for every one to dry and we finally got some sort of clothing off except for Vince he decided to just where boxers all night, we all sat around the fire and cooked hot dogs and marshmallows over he camp fire. :) It had dropped to about 50 degrees. Steph,Zach, and Tyler laid down on a big blanket and Jon started to dig a hole with bible in hand needless to say i was kinda scared. While four other people were sleeping in the tents. Vince I decided to go for a walk for fire wood hand in hand. :) It was nice having a little alone time with him, and we kissed earlier by the fire and it just made me happy. So we got really Farr down the beach but me being the stubborn butt i am wouldn't say i wanted to walk back. So we stood there or like ten minutes until one of us would give in and figure out a way to go. At this time we shared an amazing kiss<3. Finally we started to walk back to camp. When we returned we found a hole in the ground with both Jon and Tyler in the hole together under a tarp. I was shocked to find out they were not gay they had just watched an episode of man Vs. Wild and were freezing there asses off.They preceded to ask Vince to shovel some sand on top so they would be even warmer. After about lets say 5 minutes Jon had the ohhh soooo brilliant idea to build a fire on top of them thinking that the sand would protect them and Vince was stupid enough to try to carry out the idea by shoveling a shovel full of embers on top of them/ It took about two seconds top for The ember to burn through the tarp, and burn both boys. I have never seen two people move so fast in my life, and to make it funnier Jon yells, "You burned my crotch!!" I then laughed sooo hard that i nearly pissed my pants. I mean seriously funniest shit ever. They said Vince brain washed me to be his evil little accomplice, but in fact it was just funny. It took us like 15 minutes to stop laughing when we finally settled down. With Jon and Tyler's pride and flesh wounded they went into the tent with Steph and Zach. The whole night they shit talked Vince just loud enough so that we could here it. But its okay because in between giggles i got kisses and to be completely honest. that night was one of the best of my life. I just really flat out like the way I feel around him :) Okay so enough mushiness and back to the story. Eventually it got so cold that me and Vince joined the people that were making fun of " Mohawk and his brain washed evil minion". Eventually they kicked us out f there tent into a empty tent where they preceded to make fun of us, but it was okay because i was in his arms.

Over anyalzing and thinking too much.

So this blog is more like a space for me to release rather than some silly story about a time with fun and friends. Most of yoall know me well enough to know i think way to much, and over-analyze everything. Im terrified. Straight up. All of you know what happened betweeen gabe and me. It was heart breaking. Im scared to get too close. I dont want anyone to have that power over me like he did, and in a way that has handicapped my trusting ability, but I liked it that way. I liked not letting any boy in. I liked not having the chance of being hurt again. But something has changed. Vincent came back into my life. I like him... alot. Everything about him. His respect. His bad boy attitude. The way he doesnt care what people think of him. the way he listens to me and made me feel important and special. And i got all of this in like a week. I havent seen this boy since six grade. But I like the way I feel around him. But im so scared. My heart thumps hard when im around him. I feel so good about us, and that scares me. I know hes just as scared as I am, he just got out of a realationship too. But yhe is handling it didfferent than I am, he is guarding him self. I on the other hand, am falling. I havent told him im falling yet, i told him im scared of falling, and he said he'd catch me when i trip. But Vince is a smart kid, he probably has read it right off of my face. I like being around him so much I kinda just want to let go and stop being scared, but I cant do that. I cant risk that quite yet. I trust him, I really do Im just so scared. I feel like a fool for letting myself start to fall so quickly, you think Id learn from my mistakes but at the same time, you cant live your life reserved. Sometimes you have to close you eyes and take a leap of faith. But because he is guard, I DO NOT under any circumstances want to take that leap alone. So I will wait, I think hes worth it :). I understand almost everything hes going through and the stuff I dont understand Im trying to understand and im being supportive. I have spent the last few days thinking about this stuff, and Ive tried to explain some of it to him. Im trying to figure all this out. But my plan is to go with the flow, appriciate him, and try and make him happy.

Samhain

Colorful leaves falling from the maple trees onto the earth leaving a vibrant blanket of colors. Carved pumpkins on every corner, smiling whimsically among the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I love this time of year. I prepared for samhain today,gathering together apples, my cinnamon broom, gold candles, and my onyx crystal. I cooked a feast filled with hues of gold, orange, red, and brown, for my family.
That night, as I looked up to the moon, I felt a mystic connection, that I would later find out was Isabella Rain, a fellow Pagan sister, whom said she felt me call for her. This witches new year was very important to me because I just got out of a long time relationship that ended badly, and It was time to let go. To symbolize the rebirth by death, that is the new year, I built up fire under the stars, and let the flames roar.This year I pulled out a cardboard box that had old memories from my relationship, and I let the memories burn so I could have new ones. I burned leters, pictures, and roses. The feeling was amazing just to let go, and I wont lie I cried. To just feel so connected to the goddess, and let all the wieght lift off my shoulders, it was just overwhelming. The flickering flames lifted the nefgitivity from my life, and into the starry night sky. I must have spent hours out side just watching the ashes from the fire fly into the sky like little fairies ready to cause mischief.

Woo Hoo

Im super excited about this week !

Ill go in order

So the first thing coming up is Gabes one year being back from juvie, which excites me because we've made it through so much. And when i think about it, the whole thing brings me back to earth. I remember how much i missed him and it makes me realize that i need him forever.

Next is gabes birthday. He'll finally be seventeen! So until then im going to hound him about how is is younger than me. I love that butt head. Im going to do the best i can for him, because he made my birthday amazing. If any one has quick ideas about things i could do let me know.

Then is The big Valentines Day. He is taking me to Apple bees then we are going to rent some movies and come to my house and watch them. Then he'll Stay the night and spend all day sunday with me. Once again any cute vday ideas let me kno!

The Monday morning my mom, my sister, gabe and me are all going to disney world! Woohoo! I cant wait im super duper excited! Then we are staying at hotel and coming back in the middle of tuesday !

Disney,Bangs,Jealousy,and Lala

So totally lots and lots of stuff coming up.

Next Thursday is gabes birthday and im going to his house and imma bake him cookies

shhhh dont tell!!!!!!!!

Then next saturday is vday =] and he is going to take me out yummmm

then the monday after that im going to Disney world with gabe, my mom and my sister =]

So other that that soon all my hawaii is going to be paid for im looking really forward to that ! I already got a bikini for hawaiii Its pink and Black!!!

And me and gabe are doing desent but now he is jealous of a fresman which i think is super funny. But i love the butt head so what ever !

Oh and i looked at my hair today and its gross! I need a trim and I dont know what to do with my bangs? Any ideas? I was thinking about letting them grow out but i want something different? Ideas pleaseeee!

Oh and Mrs. Lala(laura) I loves you and i want you to know you are becomeing one of my best friends i love you more than yo know =D